


Into The Pale

by Darelz



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Happy Ending, Hearing Voices, I guess the pale is a metaphor for memories/the past, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, POV First Person, POV Second Person, Psychosis, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Serious, Suicidal Thoughts, Unpleasant Body Imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:47:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23500000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darelz/pseuds/Darelz
Summary: In which Harry experiences a psychotic break. This fic uses a serious interpretation of Harry's voices to explore his mental health.
Relationships: Harry Du Bois & Jean Vicquemare, Harry Du Bois & Judit Minot, Harry Du Bois & Kim Kitsuragi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 41





	Into The Pale

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warnings: psychosis, unpleasant body imagery, suicidal ideation.
> 
> If you want to learn more about hearing voices, then [Hearing Voices Network](https://www.hearing-voices.org/) is a good place to start. If you have criticism on how anything is represented in this fic, then I am welcome to hearing it.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Looking down you can see someone's green-clad feet shuffling along, shifting from mountainous terrain to a barren forest.

VISUAL CALCULUS - The ground beneath you arcs, stretching to accommodate your weight like when you step into a hammock on a summer’s day.

_It’s not summer right now._

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Trivial : Unknown] - Indeed, it's colder than summer.

ENDURANCE [Medium : Success] - The wind gnaws at your tissue, attempting to sink its chilled teeth in so it can rip a chunk away to eat. There's a lot of meat on the vessel you're piloting, it'd make a filling meal. You need to get the body away before it’s eaten, hide it from the fanged flurry.

AUTHORITY - Sovereignties don’t hide, they face their problems head-on, without fear. Show them what a great leader you are, stay out here to fight the wind!

LOGIC [Challenging : Unknown] - You can’t _fight_ the wind, that’s absurd; you need to hide from it before you're devoured.

HALF-LIGHT [Medium : Success] - The weight of a ravenous serpent constricts around your chest, robbing you of your breath - it’s the wind, it’s trying to asphyxiate you, hurry, before it consumes you! 

SUGGESTION [Easy : Unknown] - Look at the verdant tendrils lazing under the water’s surface - they’re not bothered by the wind, you should join them.

CONCEPTUALISATION - The gale scrapes its claws along the water’s skin, drawing dark droplets from the ocean’s flesh. The wind’s desperate to devastate the life below, but it can’t, you’d be safe down there.

_It kind of looks like the ocean’s bleeding… should I go in if it’s bleeding?_

SHIVERS [Challenging : Success] - An epic battle is unfolding before us: the wind’s relentless, unfurling attack after attack against the ocean, as if powered by the breath of an Innocence themselves. But no matter how much the ocean bleeds, the waves continue to pulse in the steady rhythm of an undying heart. The sea endures all, patiently biding their time until the wind succumbs to their will - their blood loss is negligible.

PAIN-THRESHOLD [Formidable : Unknown] - An image of bloodshed flashes before your eyes - you squash it, but you still feel your scars crawling across your skin.

_This doesn't feel right..._

INLAND EMPIRE - You have to go in. There's no choice. The pale is beckoning for you, it’s your duty as a ruler to answer.

INTERFACING - Your view suddenly drops: your body has sat down, and is removing the snakes coiled around your feet.

PERCEPTION [Medium : Success] - You can see ripples echo out from where your feet have graced the water’s edge. The water hums around your feet, sending a buzzing sensation reverberating through your skin, picking you apart atom by atom. For some time you let the ocean’s song flow into you, disintegrating...

??? - "What’re you doing out here on the jetty, officer?"

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium : Failure] - Your vision shifts up to reveal a woman has suddenly come into existence besides you. The fact she’s referring to you as an officer implies she knows who you are, but you don’t recognise her.

HALF-LIGHT - Be careful, she could be with the wind, she could be here to chop us up into tiny pieces ready to be consumed!

DRAMA [Medium : Unknown] - She’s armed with an ornate sword and has symbols of the ocean hanging from her ears - this must be one of your soldiers, my liege.  
  
RHETORIC [Impossible : Failure] - Tell her that-

"I think the wind is, it's very cold at the moment, it's not summer anymore, so the wind is trying to, it's trying to eat me, I like eating sandwiches, uh so, I'm trying to hide."

RHETORIC - You’re seriously going to ignore me? I’m one of the only ones actually trying to help you right now, idiot.

_I’m sorry, the words just came out..._

DRAMA - Ignore them your majesty, I suspect they’ve been compromised by the wind anyway. 

SUGGESTION - Focus on your mission: you just need to slip over the edge already, pass the veil to kiss the innocent waters.

SWORD LADY - "You know my house isn’t far, officer. Would you like to hide inside, warm up in there?"

REACTION SPEED [Easy : Failure] - The world starts shifting back and forth, like a record being scratched. After a few seconds pass you realise that it’s your head shaking, ripping open a gash in its wake.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Challenging : Success] - Until your head shook, your body had been stuck rigid as a mannequin - you’ve been untethered from your form, most likely the wind’s doing.

"I uh, I don't think..."

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - Don’t say you’re having difficulty moving out loud! The wind's trying to steal your secrets from your lungs - you need to submerge your thoughts so the wind can't read them.

SWORD LADY - "...How ‘bout I sit out here with you for a while? Keep you safe?"

EMPATHY [Challenging : Partial Success] - While the wind is too formidable a foe for her to take on, you think she’d be happier if you let her stay with you.

AUTHORITY - As a mighty ruler, it’s your duty to allow your soldier the comfort of serving you.

"Okay."

INLAND EMPIRE - You can keep her company until it’s time to go into the pale.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Keep her company while you wait to regain command of your vessel, so you may sail it out into the depths.

_Do I even know how to swim?_

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy : Failure] - You’ve got no idea whether or not you know how to swim.

_It’s just, maybe the fact that I'm struggling to move is a sign that I’m not supposed to go into the ocean..._

LOGIC [Medium : Unknown] - What? No, that’s ridiculous. It doesn’t matter whether you can swim because the ocean will protect you from any danger. Don’t you feel how exposed you are out here in the open?

HALF-LIGHT - Pulsing under your skin is the sort of energy you feel when you jolt yourself awake, except it's an endless current, looping over and over. Everything feels so distinct, yet at the same time you can't tell anything apart; you’re overexposed to the world itself, pushed flat against it.

PERCEPTION [Easy : Partial Success] - A fiery streak invades your ear cavities a thousand times over, a siren’s song beckoning you into the pale...

_It’s nothing like a song, it’s more like a clarion call from hell._

HALF-LIGHT [Medium : Unknown] - Quick, you need to dive in _now_ , before they-

VISUAL CALCULUS - Before you can act the world around you rolls in on itself, and they're already here.

_Who’s here?_

CONCEPTUALISATION [Formidable : Success] - A storm cloud, a blinding light, and the calm sky that connects them.

EMPATHY [Legendary : Unknown] - A group of people who couldn’t understand what you’re experiencing, who would be disgusted if you told them the full extent of it.

INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic : Unknown] - _Good_ people, too good for you to bother with your problems.

_If they’re good people then surely they wouldn’t be disgusted?_

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Challenging : Success] - More than that, they're your siblings in blue - you can trust them, they won't judge you.

LOGIC [Formidable : Unknown] - Don’t listen to that nonsense, they’ll be disgusted because good people _should_ be disgusted when dealing with _you_.

??? - "Harry, we want to help you."

PERCEPTION - The calm one crouches besides you, speaking in a tone gentle as the flutter of a butterfly's wings.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Unknown - Success] - Harry… that's your name, isn't it?

REACTION SPEED [Medium : Success] - In the background you notice the gruff one dismissing your soldier…

DRAMA - A conspiracy to get you alone so they can assassinate you, perhaps?

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - Or these people are a part of your army; the gruff one seems to be thankful that the soldier kept watch with you.

ENDURANCE [Medium : Success] - There's a warmth on your back - the radiant one has placed his jacket over your shoulders.

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - A full body shiver creeps through your body, spreading from your submerged feet. It dawns on you that you've become so cold that your feet have gone numb.

CALM LADY - "Why don't we start with some straightforward questions - Do you remember how you got here?"

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy - Unknown] - That's simple: you walked from over there, then sat down.

"I walked…"

COMPOSURE [Formidable : Unknown] - Was that the correct answer? It's impossible to tell, her encouraging smile is unwavering.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - You should presume it was the wrong answer, given it's _you_.

CALM LADY - "Okay, and do you know where you are?"

SHIVERS [Legendary : Success] - You're at the tip of a skeletal finger extending from a ghost town, which is part of...

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium - Unknown] - You don't remember what it's part of. You do know you're on a jetty though.

"I, I'm on a jetty."

CALM LADY - "Yes, you're on a jetty in the Martinaise Inlet. If you feel comfortable sharing, could you tell us why you came here, Harry?"

INLAND EMPIRE [Trivial : Success] - That one you actually know the answer to.

"I came here to… I came to…"

VOLITION [Medium : Failure] - The words catch in your throat, snagged on the barbs of your anxieties.

PAIN-THRESHOLD [Challenging : Failure] - You feel your scars peeling apart, bleeding anew.

HALF-LIGHT [Legendary : Failure] - You gasp for breath, but the serpent's constricting your lungs again - you can't breathe, you can't escape, you can't-

RADIANT MAN - "You can take your time, there is no rush."

SUGGESTION - You can't tell them, never tell them.

INLAND EMPIRE - "Harry, you're _insane_! You talk to voices in your head, you've given them all names! Y-"

_Stop it, I don't want to hear that again!_

INLAND EMPIRE - You know what you need to do to escape this, Harry.

_No, I don't need to. I don't need to listen to you, I don't need to hide, I don't need to k-... I'm in control. They're not like her, I can talk to them, I can..._

  
  
  
  


Repressed emotions burst forth in the form of broken sobs and tears streaming down your cheeks. Hiding your voices and anxieties is exhausting, but you don't have to hide them anymore: you can hear the lilt of Judit's reassurances, feel the stabilising pats of Kim's hand on your back, see Jean lifting your numbed feet from the water and drying them. They've all stayed by you throughout your recovery, you don't have to face this alone. With Judit helping you count your breaths, you manage to calm your breathing.

KIM - "Do you want to tell us what happened?"

_I do want to tell them, except it's all blurring together._

RHETORIC - You don't have to answer immediately - you should decide what you want to say first, to help you remember all the key details and avoid going off topic.

_Okay, uh... I'd been doing well, keeping my therapy appointments and taking my meds, when I..._

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging : Success] - You forgot to order your medication in due time. You only have a couple of days worth of meds left, and it usually takes at least a week for your prescription to be processed.

_Oh, right. Everything had been going so well, so the prospect of not having medication was- it was-_

PAIN THRESHOLD - Balled up, shivering, watching the darkness slither in-

VOLITION - Your reaction wasn't ideal, let's leave it at that.

_Y-yeah… instead of talking to the pharmacist, I spiralled._

EMPATHY - You know your therapist told you to reach out to your friends when you feel yourself losing control like that.

_They've done so much for me already though, I didn't want to bother them with something so stupid. Except the fear became overwhelming; I couldn't bring myself to go to work, I couldn’t ignore how some of you kept insisting I had to come here instead._

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Formidable : Success] - Earlier that morning, Satellite-Officer Vicquemare had poured his third coffee of the day in a futile attempt to pacify himself. "Where the fuck is he, the shitkid should be here already! When I see him I'm going to... I'm going to… I'm _going to_ see him again…" A gloved hand rested on Vicquemare's shuddering shoulder; Lieutenant Kitsuragi presented himself as a calming presence, but the way his head instantly snapped up when Officer Minot entered the room betrayed Kitsuragi's concern. “I called Heidelstam, and he says there’s no sign of Harry at his home.” The sound of Vicquemare’s foot crashing against a kitchen cupboard pierced the air, swiftly followed by a pained curse. “However, Pidieu just received a report from a civilian named Titus Hardie. Hardie claims to know Harry, and to have seen him wandering Martinaise looking-” Before Minot could provide any further details, the keys to the Kineema were already in Kitsuragi’s hand, and they were heading out.

_I just ended up making things harder for them_.

ESPRIT DE CORPS - They won't hold it against you - they’re just relieved they found you like this rather than...

INLAND EMPIRE - Dead, like you should be.

_I don't need to listen to you, I'm in control, I can talk to them_.

“I… I forgot to order my prescription, then uh, then that made me frightened that I'd lose control, which actually made me start losing control again. They, the voices, they told me I had to… I was supposed to do something I didn't want to do."

Instinctively, your body tenses up, bracing for berating cries - but they never come. Rather, you’re greeted with a chorus of understanding, and the tension in your muscles slowly slackens.

JUDIT - "Thank-you for being brave enough to tell us that, Harry. It must've been terrifying to face."

There's no trace of frustration in her voice, only sympathy for your plight.

DRAMA [Legendary : Partial Success] - Actually, you know Judit well enough to pick up on a hint of disgust.

_That's just from my sniffling - bodily fluids are a major squick for her. Judit has always been my number one advocate, she genuinely just wants to support me._

KIM - "Remember, we are all here to listen whenever you want to talk about the voices, without any judgement."

For someone so straight-laced, it's surprising how readily Kim accepts the unusual without so much as raising an eyebrow.

REACTION SPEED - Well, maybe the slightest raising of an eyebrow.

_But whether I'm claiming to be a super-star cop or telling Kim about the Horrific Tie, Kim has never judged me as lesser for my experiences; it's one of the things I appreciate most about Kim._

JEAN - "And to tell the voices where to shove it when they’re nasty."

_He seriously will shout at you guys._

EMPATHY - It used to be _you_ Jean got angry at, not understanding why you kept doing all the things you did.

After your Legendary Bender you had a frank talk with Jean about what you were going through - all of it, including the voices. You had feared the worst, but being honest with Jean about your experience was actually what helped you rebuild your relationship with him. He's not always perfect in how he handles these matters, but he tries his best.

“Thanks, I… thank-you."

How do you even begin to communicate your appreciation for them?

VOLITION - You can show it through your everyday actions - as you already do. Part of why they're still here is because you've always got their backs too.

KIM - “Why don’t we go to sort out your medication? Then we can decide what to do about work for today afterwards.” 

You nod. With a hand from Jean you get up, and together you start walking back inland.

INLAND EMPIRE - The pale still calls to you.

But you don't have to answer it - you're in control of your future.

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you may have realised whatever claims I make about fics I'm working on are absolutely no indication of what I will actually write - but this time is an exception! Because I'm collaborating with people for entries in the Disco Elysium Big Bang, I can promise that some Harry/Trant and Jean/Trant content is coming. Edit: Harry/Trant is no longer a big bang thing, but I still want to write it because Harry/Trant is secretly a galaxy brain ship.


End file.
